Mary Kate and Ashley Pizza Party

You have to watch this. If you're feeling down, boy, do I have a treat for you!

Top 5 Unapologetically Mainstream Pop Breakup Songs

Friends break up with their boyfriends all the time (not me, obvi, since I'm forevs single) and for some reason the first thing I think to do is go to youtube and look up break up songs. I'll sometimes send them the video if appropriate, but usually I just rediscover how much I love pop music. It's embarrassing, I know, totes not hip or indie at all. But you know what? EFF YOU. I LIKE MAINSTREAM POP MUSIC and anyone that judges me for it can go to pitchfork and read reviews on whatever sophomore album their fave new artist released and how it bombed because no one can listen to synthy alt experimental pop blah blah blah for more than one album, and only if the album is less than 6 tracks. Anyway, here's my top five breakup songs by princesses of pop from this decade:

5. Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together

Okay, I know, it's like super new. But it's catchy and come on, are you telling me it hasn't applied to at least one relationship you've had? Like, what about when you were 15? To be totally honest, I could seriously put basically any other T. Swift song on this list, but I'm just gonna choose this one because it's the most recent. And I love this biatch, I don't care what people say. Judge me, world.



4. Rihanna - Take a Bow

So this is kind of specific to relationships that end in cheating... but you can still be angry and sing to it. The lyrics are classic. They make me seriously lol when I take a moment to think about how cutting they are. Opening lines? "You look so dumb right now standing outside my house. Trying to apologize, you're so ugly when you cry. PLEASE. JUST CUT. IT OUT." Sing it, boo.



3. Katy Perry - Part Of Me

Screw you, Russell Brand. It wasn't even your weird ass (and this is def a bullshit condition anyway) "sex addiction," but just total assholery on your part that broke up the relationship. Ugh, I mean, hasn't anyone seen "Katy Perry: Part Of Me" the movie, funded by Katy Perry? According to what happens in that, it's obvi Russell Brand's fault.



2. Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)

I think we all know by now that Kelly Clarkson has a lot of pent up resentment towards that idiot that broke her heart and then stomped on it with steel toed boots. This is legit the catchiest song ever. Although, I am pretty sure she means metaphorically what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, like, emotionally, because I can think of a few debilitating freak accidents that might not kill you but would definitely make you weaker physically.



1. Beyonce - Why Don't You Love Me?

Seriously classic. Love that she's playing dress up. Also, love that she's chugging a martini and angry-crying. Nothing says "I hate you" like bleeding mascara.



BONUS, Y'ALL! Of course, an oldie but a goodie: Alanis Morrisette - You Oughta Know

Real. Angry.

The Christmas Song - The Raveonettes

It's December. That means it's now acceptable to listen to Christmas tunes. I am vehemently opposed to the jackasses that blast Frosty the Snowman before Thanksgiving has even passed.

Now, I won't point out to the Raveonettes that they are indeed wrong, this is not what "The Christmas Song" actually sounds like, but okay. It's still good.

Brad Pitt's Stupid Little Beard

Brad Pitt is starring in "World War Z." The trailer, below, is a great example of a trailer that tells its viewers absolutely nothing about plot or content. It also uses the background music used in almost every single recently released action film for the past year and a half. The movie also features a bit of Brad Pitt's really ugly, graying little tuft of a beard.


The graying little tuft of a beard can also be found in Chanel's new perfume ad.


So fucking ugly. Visually attaching the image of Brad Pitt with that stupid beard to this perfume makes me physically repulsed from it.

In Honor of my New iPhone

I recently became an iPhone sellout (RIP Blackberry), and today in the car realized with unexpected happiness that I could use Siri! No, siriusly (loolllzzzz), I was trying call my mother and it was raining and that god dang touch screen keypad is a pain in the mother fucking ass, and I was about to give up when..... I said "SIRI CALL MY MOM" and she did! Alas, the wonders of technology. Well, anyway, I wish Siri was actually Samuel L. Jackson, like in this video. Sure, it wouldn't be a helpful tool at all, but it would be funny.

As if i'm taking advice from Steve Harvey

"Act like a lady, think like a man."
Um, STFU I'll think like a woman cause I don't view it as a negative.

1. I don't understand why other women think this is good advice and not in the least bit offensive.

2. You all do realize this is from Steve Harvey's book?? Why the FUCK are we taking advice from Steve Harvey?



3. Why is there such an upsurge of this quote on my twitter and facebook feed? Why do people ever post quotes in general, ever? Why is Steve Harvey the authority on anything at all? Why is he a published author? Why?

end rant.

Jessica Simpson, Pregnant for Way Too Long

Dear Jessica Simpson,

I feel like you've been pregnant for about 3 years. You're fucking humungous right now. Usually, I feel a sense of vicarious happiness for people that are pregnant. But you, for some reason, just gross me out. I'm sorry, that's just how I feel when I look at you... probably because I can easily imagine you gorging yourself on pudding, pickles, and hot dogs while watching a Law and Order SVU marathon.

Now, the fact that you have almost detail for detail copied Demi Moore's iconic Vanity Fair pregnant cover makes me irrationally angry. I know there have been many pregnant celebrities in between that have copied the photograph, but you have done it down to the middle finger yellow ring. I recognize that you probably had very little to do with the creative direction of this photo shoot, but let's face it, even if you did, you wouldn't have anything intelligent to say. Sorry (i'm not sorry).