Bahama Mama

I feel off the face of the earth for a week and landed in the Bahamas on white sand beaches and impossibly sky blue water. It was pretty stressful, but I managed to make it through. But on the real, some friends and I went on a Carnival Cruise as our last Spring Break hurrah--it was my first cruise, so needless to say the endless food available consistently put me in a coma every night. We left from the port of New Orleans and went to Key West (which is the cutest place ever, btw), then to Freeport, and lastly, to Nassau. Snorkling, Tanning, Bar Hopping, oh my!

Click the photos if your eyes can't handle their minimized state of being.
I took tons of pics on my digital camera and some on my Diana F+ camera. Can't wait for the film to be developed so I can showcase them on le week-end! Everyone I was with did not understand the appeal of my plastic kitschy camera, but that's okay.



Oh hay, cruise ship! Here, she is docked in Key West. I am wearing H&M cotton racerback, grey Forever 21 a-line skirt, studded sandals (cue the shock that I'm wearing something studded), vintage LV cross body purse, and vintage leather belt. As you might guess it was a very practical outfit for prancing around town on a hot day, and it was relatively low cost so if there was some disaster involving mustard or Jimmey Buffett Margaritas or six-toed cat hairballs, no harm no foul!



The color of the water and spectacular views made me want to move to the Bahamas, abandon any responsibilities and live in a shack. It has to be happiness!

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As far as cruise quality goes, it's my first so I have nothing to compare it to except the film Titanic, but I got the impression it wasn't the cream of the crop. I have a radar for snobbery because I'm kind of snobby sometimes, but this cruise was still fun and lively, with dancing performance and magic shows. Hopefully in ten years I can afford to dish out the cash for a fancier cruise line, or maybe even just a cabin with windows...

The Dreaded Swimsuit Season

Spring means warmer weather, pollen allergies, the beach, and consequently, SWIM SUIT SEASON! For those lucky men out there, you can pretty much be any body size in swim trunks and no one really judges you, with maybe the exception of yourself. I can't say the same for speedos, but it's all about context, of course. You better be glad you're not a lady because buying a new swimsuit can be torturous, not to mention robbery...I'm pretty sure it doesn't cost anywhere near $128 to make two tiny pieces of nylon clothing, especially when the tag says "made in the philippines."

Luckily for all you small-framed, flat-chested, no hips and little bellied ladies out there, I know the exact swimsuits that will flatter you! Coincidentally that happens to be my exact body type... wow, so weird how that happens.

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Okay, so I love classic and I love Southern, and seersucker embodies both of these things. So this J. Crew Seersucker retro one-piece is perfect. The body is slimmed because of the vertical seersucker stripes, and the bandeau shape is my preferred style. J. Crew in general is a pretty reliable swimsuit shop year after year if you are looking for preppy and variety. I'm pretty positive this seersuckah number will last the ages too, if you're interested in longevity.

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If you have a schizo personality like me, then your personal tastes also do a 180 and you find yourself in vintage shops, thrift stores, and urban outfitters where you apparently were in a fit of hipster blackout and don't remember when you became so wannabe alt. Regardless, here are bikinis, still bandeau for my fellow flat-chesties. Both are from UO- I tend to love Native American inspired stuff, so it's not that shocking that I enjoy this fringe bikini... I actually find this tiger swimsuit hideous, but it made me LOL. Also, its a good example of how many forms the bandeau can take.

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Finally, the high-waist is back in, which is a perfect excuse for girls with pouchy bellies to pretend they are just being trendy. A high-waisted swimsuit just looks retro and is def making a comeback (of course paired with a bandeau, like how many times do I have to tell you its awesome). And a white bikini will always make you look more bronzed. Just make sure it is lined otherwise it will be embarrassing after you get out the water.

This year, I am thinking about buying gold and blue lamé bikini separates from American Apparel because I think it's pretty cool to go swimming in metallics. The only problem with American Apparel is that nothing is lined because apparently its cool to see nipping, but I'm not really into that. We'll see, come spring break I'll be prancing around in a new suit getting my tan on. But not too much tan, that makes me nervous about cancer.

I'm fat.

I've just come to terms with it. Like, there's no way around the fact that I have gained more weight than ever and I am just too damn lazy to go to the gym and work it off. It's not that I've gained that many pounds --okay, maybe I have, but it is especially enhanced by the fact that all my blubber collects in my belly. WTF? Some people complain about it going to their ass or thighs. I'M SORRY, TRY LOOKING PREGNANT, OKAY?

Anyways, low self esteem aside, this Spring Break, I have finally succumbed to the dreaded one-piece. Not that there's anything wrong with a one-piece, but I can't wait to see those tan lines at the end of the week. Black person limbs, white person butt, stomach, and chest. Bring it on.

I found some trendy one-pieces that could possibly disguise my beer gut and enhance my 34 A boobs.